Written by Machiya
Trauma is a complex experience that leaves permanent marks in one’s life story. Going through a traumatic event heavily influences everyday life, and as such it can affect the way we experience kink. This writing aims at shedding some light on the meaning of trauma, the recovery process, and how it can manifest and be dealt with in kink.
If you have recently been exposed to trauma, you might fear that you will never recover from it. While some feel that they are alone in their healing journey, trauma is something most people deal with at least once in their lifetime. On the other hand, more than 90% of the victims of trauma heal successfully from post-traumatic symptoms. Let’s take a closer look at trauma and its meaning when it comes to kink.
What is trauma?
An event is considered traumatizing when one is exposed to or witnesses a life threat or a threat of serious injury. Nevertheless, not all events are equally traumatizing for everyone, and that’s why we usually call those “potentially traumatizing events”. Trauma can be caused by different life events, such as a breakup, being bullied, or losing a job. What’s more, it can be due to both sudden events of high intensity, or repeated episodes during a longer period. For example, a sub seeing their drops regularly neglected by their top can end up with a trauma as severe of someone finding out they have been victim of stealthing (i.e., removing a condom during sex without the partner’s consent). Traumatic events can trigger feelings of vulnerability and helplessness, along with a variety of negative emotions and strong physical arousal. While such reactions tend to wear off in time, triggers can make those feelings resurface all of a sudden. Thus, it’s important to be aware of how to cope with trauma.
Making trauma part of the story
We give meaning to our life events and choices by telling stories about ourselves (and other people). Those stories shape our identity and influence the way we see ourselves. A traumatic event is by definition a disruption in our storyline, and as a result it can be difficult to integrate a trauma in our story. For narrative therapists, psychotherapy is an exercise in story repair. Coping with trauma becomes then a matter of making it part of our story, keeping the flow continuous and consistent, giving the traumatic event a meaning (e.g. “why did it happen to me?” or “what have I learned from this?”), and claiming our self-worth. Let’s think, for example, of a person who is passionate about self-suspensions. They train with enthusiasm, enjoy the feeling of agency that they get from self-tying, and come to think of themselves as a talented self-suspender. Therefore, experiencing a drop during self-tying, and even being at risk of serious injury from it, could cause them to feel total lack of control and guilt for the accident. Furthemore, experiencing trauma could harm how they see themselves, as they could question themselves being a talented self-suspender. Coping with trauma would then become a matter of retelling the story, turning guilt into responsibility, and trading their perception of a flawed self-suspender with that of a self-suspender that has acquired the capacity to evaluate risks.
Support matters
As described above, coping with trauma might look like an introspective and lonely process, but it’s much more than that. While retelling the story is a central part of the healing, who we tell the story to is just as important. Indeed, having a listener can both facilitate the process of giving a meaning to the event and help diminish the anxiety associated with it by “facing the trauma”. Ideally, the listener should be trustworthy and capable of showing respect and understanding for the victim of trauma, while keeping a non-judging perspective. Understanding the importance of community and culture for overcoming a traumatic event is easy if we consider the story of A, a Dom whose play partner has repeatedly broken their need for privacy by retrieving their personal information and showing up at their place despite having agreed to meet only at pre-arranged times. Following this experience, A. has a hard time starting new relationships, but they often face downplaying reactions when attempting to share their story, resulting in negative judgment and lack of understanding by others. Therefore, they find themselves in a situation that lacks chances for telling their story in a trustworthy environment, making it harder to overcome trauma.
On the other hand, we shouldn’t forget that simply recalling the trauma in a non-therapeutic environment could lead to re-traumatization, that is reviving the post-traumatic symptoms. For this reason, the re-telling of traumatic events shouldn’t take place in social settings that could expose the victim of trauma to lack of understanding or indifference.
A RACK-informed approach to trauma
The risk-aware consensual kink (RACK) approach is considered by some as the evolution of the SSC (safe, sane, and consensual) mantra. It emphasizes the importance of education and consciousness when it comes to activities that always encompass a share of risk – such as BDSM. How to take into account RACK when dealing with trauma? First of all, RACK can and should be used to prevent traumatic events. Put into practice, this means get informed, bury your nose in books and papers, experience gradually, get to know yourself (and your play partner), trust and earn trust mindfully, set and enforce your boundaries. This is as true for bottoms as it is for tops, since even though bottoms may be more vulnerable by definition in play settings, it shouldn’t be forgotten that trauma can also come from witnessing potentially harmful events happening to others. If we add that accidents in play settings can cause strong sense of guilt in those who were in charge, and arguably challenge their perception of a capable top, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that exposure to trauma can go both ways.
Secondly, RACK should be taken into account when healing from trauma. If you’re recovering from a traumatic event, it’s important to evaluate whether witnessing or engaging in potentially triggering play settings would expose you to re-traumatization or facilitate the recovery process. In other words, while there is no right duration of the healing process, you don’t want to rush it. Take your time, take care of yourself, listen to your needs, and most importantly don’t hesitate to reach out for help.
Finally, let’s not forget the power of community awareness. What can the community at large do to deal with trauma from a RACK-informed perspective? Being equipped to support single members through coping with traumatic events is important: set hotlines, appoint contact persons, bridge with professionals, and build resources. The importance of trigger warnings in the kinky context will never be emphasized enough, as they allow individuals dealing with trauma to take distance following risk evaluation.
Disclaimer: healing from trauma is a complex process that often requires guidance. Seek help from a professional if you’ve experienced trauma.
This writing is based on the following resources:
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Williams, D. J., Thomas, J. N., Prior, E. E., & Christensen, M. C. (2014). From “SSC” and “RACK” to the “4Cs”: Introducing a new framework for negotiating BDSM participation. Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, 17(5), 1-10.